And I'm not stupid. I know everyone is looking at it.
How can they not? It's huge. It's right there, next to my mouth. Every time I talk, the monstrous beast is only highlighted.
Hell, I may as well name it Franciscus and introduce it to people before I start talking. (Thank you, MerBear, for the sweet name.)
In fact, one of my closest friends, Candice, has a strategy similar to this. When she has a huge zit, she points it out first thing. She'll say something like, "See this huge zit here? It's huge. Look at it. Look at it! It's right there. I know it's there, now you know it's there." And then we move on. The elephant in the room has been addressed. It's genius.
Okay, so maybe MY zit is not that bad. BUT...I have been lucky enough to have pretty decent skin, and I don't often get legit acne, so when I do, it's quite traumatizing.
Even if you don't understand having a huge zit, I know you know what I'm saying here. The same thing happens when you're having a bad hair day (Or a bad shine day, if you're bald), or you don't have time to put makeup on before you leave the house (This happens to me often, and I look like sasquatch....more on this later), or basically any situation in which something out of your control is making you feel like you look like a hideous beast from the black lagoon.
When something like this happens, it's hard to imagine anyone being able to take you seriously. I mean, even if people aren't actually staring at it all day, it definitely feels like they are.
And sometimes, they are. Like with the huge zit on my face.
I'm not going to kid myself and pretend like it's not ridiculously obvious, but I'm sure as hell going to try to make it less noticeable.
So, obviously, my first option is to use make up, which I don't even own. I considered using a dab of Roommate's make up (Yes, my MALE roommate has make up. I don't know why, and I'm not going to ask), but I came to the conclusion that this would be weird. This caused me to have to drive to Rite Aid and actually purchase this weird skin-toned face goo that I may or may not ever need again.
And we all know how using make up to conceal an imperfection goes. Sometimes when you just want to cover some shit up, you end up making it even more obvious.
Oh....and that's exactly what I did.
So that was a fail.
Option #2 was to try covering up Franciscus with a band-aid. But there was a problem:
My band-aid selection is limited (Or should I say, BOUNDLESS!). I don't actually own any normal band-aids. After trying and failing with neon green, Ninja Turtle, Hannah Montana, and Disney Princess band-aids, I pulled out the big guns.
Glitter. Yes, I have glitter band-aids. This would work. Everyone knows my favorite color is glitter. I figured it would just match my outfit and my personality.
And after peeling off all of the other band-aids, I had almost no skin left, so this one took me almost twenty minutes to peel off.
I hope to say this hurt isn't necessary.
So wearing a band-aid was out.
Option #3 was to wear a scarf. It's a chilly 82 degrees Fahrenheit in sunny southern California today. This was a good idea. And it was stylish.
This seemed like a solid plan, until I remembered how long this scarf is, and my severe ADHD kicked in. I have no doubt that at some point in my day, this would happen:
And what if this happened in the middle of class? Or at work? Or at the bank? (Or really, anywhere in public). Oh, and it would. Scarf was out.
I think once I realized that the scarf wasn't going to work, I got a little desperate...
...to say the least...
Option #4: HAIRBEARD!
Option #5: Pug Beard!!
Option #6: Paper Bag Face!
(I've really always wanted a beauty mark, voluptuous lips, and a sweet beard and goatee to stroke while I'm deep in thought anyway...)
Option #7: Naked!!
(Everyone will be distracted by boobz!)
Hours later....I realized that all of this was absolutely ridiculous. No one was really going to care what I did to conceal this disgusting flaw.
...but they would definitely want to know his name...
Meet Franciscus. He smiles when I smile!